Turist kampaign

To dear minister for tourism of fine vestern country Australia,

We have receive information from a source we cannot to tell, that once again, you are to create new advertise kampaign. Here we would like to presents some ideas for maybe why is not success happening in past and possible way to having in future. We are believing that sometimes you need person from outside to look inside to give fresh perspective. Of course this is not always good for medical idea if person from another country is make such suggestion. Please use caution.

In advance, to say senkyou for accepting our proposing, and to show continued great friendship of our two fine nations, we are send you envelope to show respect. We hope you can accept our gift and in return we only ask that you look at proposal. Also, only small question that maybe is possible that we can sending some relatives, not much, just few for holiday to your fine country.

Recent research has been complete by top members of Ministry of Society’s Honest Responsibility for Accurate and Beneficial Image of Nation Subcomitee on Critical Business and Foreign Relation Development Unit or MSHR-ABINS-CBFRDU. As you perhaps can imagine, we are not so much the experts on fine country of yours. Ve have seen many times on modern convenience of black and white televisio, but because ve are not having expertise in your local area, ve vould like to present to you by example of our fine nation of vhat ve are believing is good advertising according to standards created by MSHR-ABINS-CBFRDU.

First, for understanding we must look to past. Australia has used high superior acting quality of Crocodile Dundee. For foreign eye, he seems to be very kind, with wide smile with many teeths, pleasant kharakter, and inviting us to how you say “throw van more shrimp on Barbie.” Stop! This is make confusion. People in foreign country who maybe do not understanding unique Australian sense of humour will asking: “Why you are place a shrimps on plastik doll? Oh they are so the crazy those Ossies. But does it work for turistical purpose? It is time for changing and modern improving, much like people in my country who are trade-in 1974  2 seat trabant for new WOW 2.5 seat version of 1982!

Let us look at up to date version of advertising kampaign with use of young woman on beach who is asking vhere the bloody hell you are? One more time this is make confusion. We are having no clues why is such question asked. Ve are watching her on tv screen, vhy she is not knowing this? This is not good way to invite people to your land. It makes idea that maybe Australians are not so intelligent like previous shrimp joke is display.

 Also, perhaps young woman should be look not so much slim of world. We vould like to suggest maybe a woman who is have some how you call, curvy lumps on body, not extreme, just little bit to look like she has recently eaten something such as pirogi, I belive Australian version is called “dim sim”.

It is also good time to remind people of great cutlery you have available in your country. I am not familiar with much Australian foods, but you can take from our experience, great technique to have traditional food re-create with new name and voila, you have the “Mod Oz” food. Example, you can take the kotleta po-kievsky and change little bit name to Chicken Kiev. This I’m sure will be popular. Or even you are having gulyas leves and you can call Maggi goulash mix. Is good idea no?

Now, we are present to you ways of inviting people to your fine country.

Number van. It is important to show traditions of country. Perhaps it is advisable to show truth of culture.  We have heard that there is many misconfusions about animals in your country. Example, why ve are never seeing domestic animal of kangaroo. Is used for transportation no? Like our beloved goat, who is great friend and also sometimes GPS system for times when we have drunk too much of fine quality of vodka and cannot find way to home.

Number to. Show that your country is affordable to people from all countries. Just like famous saying “The best things in life are free, but some things are very nice and you must be rich”. Are you having free leisure activity in Australia? Example in my country, you can have free entertainment on tram in variety of ways. First, do not buy tiket and run from inspector if he is able to run after you. Included in entry is free singing and traditional poetry recital in local dialect by fellow drunken passengers. Why pay admission to discothèque? When you can have entertainment local style.

Thenkyou for accepting our proposing. We are look forvard to backfeed from you.

Joschka Kalman,

Minister for Society’s Honest Responsibility for Accurate and Beneficial Image of Nation Subcomitee on Critical Business and Foreign Relation Development Unit.

Wanteds

We interrupt this program with breaking news. The following broadcast is brought to you by an unknown source, however we have been told that it is of national importance. We apologize for this inconvenience and will return you to your scheduled viewing shortly.

Hallo and good morning. My name is Svetlana Jelena Timea Olga Nyebkova , but you can call me simple only Shirley. I vould like to tell you somethings which are very important to knowing. Here in Eastern bloc former communist country, life in past has been very difficult for my peoples. It may be is known for you in vestern world that here in former communist country we are have plentiful wonder of animal of goat. Until now goat has been great gift to people of my land as it providing many vonderful things example such as milk, security system to scare away gypsys, transporting (up to 2 Svetlanas at a time – or one Boris but only before dinner, because after dinner it is also equal to two or more Svetlanas), also companionship when husband is go hunting (or if young Svetlana is go to side of street to sell things and return with many moneys… ( I must asking her wat is so profitable on street…hmmm)

But as it seem to you because I have shown goat animal and all wonders of them, you are now understanding why is so important for us. It is my sad duty to announce on behalf of great leader what horrible news I must to tell. National animal of goat is no longer exist. All have been stolen. We are now on hunt for two vestern looking, forvard-thinkings persons who we are believe have taken all goats hostage and are heading for Tasmania for creation of organic goat farm. I am not familiar vit such ideas of hippy lifestyle, but am kindly ask you please to do the notifying of authority if you are see, hear or smell them. (They will smell clean, deoderanted and nice). I am not familiar with such fragrance, it is not exist in my country, but maybe you are knowing. If anybody sees the goats please to contact 1800 free the goats, or if you are heving modern convenience of internets please sending email to: www.goatsarefriends.com.

In rewards for helping find wanteds goat stealers and in honour of great friendship of our two fine nations, we are offer one week holiday in our wonderful country, transfer from airport in autocar with modern convenience of roll-window-down cooling system and all pickled gherkins and vodka included.